The search for the perfect query

After a number of rejections (I don't want to admit how many, but it's quite a few), we have decided to overhaul our query letter because OBVIOUSLY it's not working. So we have a new version, with the help of the wonderful people over at The Public Query Slushpile. I have to say that if you're having problems with your query, head over there. They are wonderful people!

So, here is the new query:

When Earth gets caught in the middle of a battle for the universe between the Mages and the dark fey, two teens are forced to work together and use their elemental powers to save everyone.

Jack and Katie were chosen before birth to be the saviors of the universe. The Mages imbued elemental powers into their embryos. Katie would be able to control the weather and water while Jack would have power over earth and fire. The plan was to raise the chosen ones together and train them to work as a team from birth. But that was before the dark fey found a way to Earth.

Fearing for their lives, Jack’s parents take him into hiding. When a car crash kills them two years later, Jack is left orphaned without any idea of his destiny. When he finally discovers his destiny, he is elated and fully embraces his powers.

Katie is taken home with her parents where they raise her as a normal "human" child. Until the fey find her and attempt to kill her and her family. Katie's mage protector teleports her to a distant planet to hide her from the fey and finally tells her the truth. Unlike Jack, Katie doesn't want to be different and she doesn't want to fight the fey. Her intelligence works against her as she doesn't want to believe these illogical tales are true. She reluctantly agrees to train with the Mages, but secretly plans an escape back to Earth. Then she discovers dragons are alive and thriving there, but need her help to save their hatchlings.

Now the Mages have to find Jack before the dark fey do and reunite the chosen ones in time to train them to save the universe from annihilation. Unfortunately, Katie and Jack have other plans in mind.

The Chosen Ones and the Dragon War is an 80,000-word work of fantasy intended for young adults. This is our first novel. Please find enclosed the first five pages, pursuant to your submission guidelines.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

The Chosen Ones - by Natalie and Rick Nuttall

When fifteen-year-old Katie discovers she’s an alien experiment, her first instinct is to run and hide. Finding out that she’s not the only one and there’s another just like her only makes it worse. She doesn’t care that she was chosen to battle the dark fey, who are intent on universal domination. She just wants to be normal. That is, until she discovers that she can teleport across galaxies using her mind and alter the weather on a whim. She reluctantly makes a deal with her creators to battle the dark fey in exchange for training her to use her powers.

Her resolve falters when she meets Jack, the other chosen one. He’s arrogant and sarcastic, and he refuses to listen to her. He loves the fact that he’s part alien because he never wanted to be normal. To him, special abilities are just perks. Jack is the opposite of Katie in almost every way and his easy going style grates on her nerves.

Now Katie and Jack must put aside their differences and learn to work together. They have agreed to help a pride of dragons battle against their rivals who are intent on civil war. Only it’s not just dragons they will be fighting, but an enemy far more destructive.